I have heard the word “pattern” used a lot lately, as in, seeing a pattern of behavior in someone. Usually, this is pointed out as a bad thing like, that person has a pattern of manipulation or a pattern of anger. When it is directed at you by someone else, it is often meant to be a “gotcha” kind of thing where they feel a measure of superiority in noticing that there might be some consistency in how you react to a given repeatable situation. Some examples are, “I see a pattern of manipulation in you when you are not direct in your requests of me.” Or “Every time I tell you that you are doing something wrong, I see a pattern of defensiveness.” These are patterns that have been attributed to me at times and, I must admit, justifiably so. I prefer not to be direct in my requests, hoping that it is my vagueness that is the reason for a lack of response, rather than an abject refusal to acknowledge my solicitation. I also tend to resist being schooled by people. These behaviors can be called patterns, I suppose, but personally, I think of them as strategies.
We all learned the strategies we use to get our needs met when we were children. We tried many different ways to appeal to others to see us, acknowledge our need and communicate that we were important enough to engender a response to it. If as a toddler, batting our long eyelashes at our parent got us an extra cookie, or a second bedtime story, that pattern or strategy would be repeated. As an adult, it might look more like flirting or being a charmer. If there was no response to a cute behavior, but the need or the desire persisted, we might have tried another strategy like fussing or calling the parent back to the bedroom for a cup of water, or a need for the potty. Asking for a second story could easily be refused but playing the bio-needs card would be harder for a parent to ignore. We will repeat whatever works to get the attention we feel we need.
Defensiveness is also an effective strategy when we are confronted for something someone else dislikes in us, but this one is often used to protect us from our own perception of ourselves. If we can deflect another person’s accusation against us effectively enough, we don’t have to face what it is that might make us feel unlovable or unacceptable. We fear rejection more than anything else we face because as a child, total rejection would mean annihilation. So, if we can avoid being called out for something, we feel like we have literally cheated death.
As we grow up, these strategies or patterns are meant to be systematically replaced with better ones. We are supposed to develop enough regard for ourselves and our value in the world to know that we are worthy of receiving the extra time and attention that a second story would give us from an adoring parent. When we sense that we are valued as a person, we learn that our character and worth are not automatically being questioned when we are called back do a better job wiping the table. Eventually, we realize that we belong in the world and that we are secure enough to risk the rejection of our request or receive the message that our behavior has made someone uncomfortable. We understand that this negative feeling feedback does not necessarily mean invalidation or alienation, it is rather just an opportunity to grow.
When we lack the inner strength of identity to manage these conflicts of interest effectively, however, we can find ourselves being accused of being manipulative and defended. The unfortunate and very well-kept secret about this is that calling us out for these patterns will only reinforce our need for them. We will become even less direct because we now fear that our communication efforts will be further rebuked and we become more defensive because we feel more and more vulnerable to the possibility of being utterly exiled from our tribe. This leads to that primordial fear, again, of annihilation.
The only way out of this pattern, really, is to recognize that it happens and try to address the reasons we feel it is still necessary. We need to go back to why it became a strategy in the first place and begin to upgrade how we handle conflict. For me, this has been to recognize that there are some tools I did not get as a child, such as a feeling of self-confidence, a sense of being validated for who I was, security in asking for needs to be met, etc. The fact that I lacked these developmental steps is not anyone’s fault, it is just how I perceived the world as a child and that impacted how I developed as an adult.
Recognizing what went wrong in the formation of the foundation gives us a chance to correct it, gain new insights and tools for handling life and, essentially, to grow up. Denying that there is an issue just forces us to continue to build on an uneven platform and that will create a lopsided structure.
All of us have some anomalies that need addressing, but it is only the bravest among us that have the courage to see them in ourselves and work to correct them. The truly noble will do the work for themselves without ever expecting that of others. The wisest of us will recognize that even when we actually are rejected by someone who cannot handle our “patterns”, it is because of their own lack of adult strategies. In that case, it may be necessary to indirectly defend yourself by investing in other, healthier relationships.
Even if rejection by someone else for your flawed strategies cannot be avoided, it is still possible to validate your own commitment to a pattern of growth. If you can learn to get along with yourself, you will always have a tribe.
