THE PATHOLOGY OF JOB
I heard a sermon on the biblical book of Job once. Trying to be novel, the speaker framed the book as though it was a football game and he was the sportscaster. I guess it made an impression because I still remember it some 30 years later.
I have read through Job recently and have come to see it more like a morality play. I am not saying that Job was not a real person, but it really does read well as a dramatization of what the writer imagines happens when inexplicably bad things happen to people who seem to play by the rules. “Doesn’t God owe faithful people a life of peace and ease?” That is an unanswerable heart-crushing question I have often asked on behalf of people experiencing unthinkable loss.
Lately, I have been also looking at Job as a resource for understanding high-conflict relationships and how the emotional state of those in them might be understood as they try to instruct each other. If you want a good example of what I am talking about, read chapters 11–12. I know a pastor who is fond of quoting chapter 12:2–3 when he encounters critical churchgoers that believe they have answers for every dilemma. Anyway, it is a fascinating case study in human conflict.
I am excited to learn more from this narrative because it seems that what happens to Job psychologically is very close to what happens to someone who is in an abusive relationship with someone who exhibits traits of Narcissism. People that are trying to overcome the damage done by their abusers make up a huge percentage of those needing trauma recovery coaching, so this is my wheelhouse.
In my own journey and in my studies, I have come across a number of very helpful acronyms that others have come up with to assist people in the moment of conflict or even during an internal attack of depression or anxiety. Many of the most helpful ones to me have come from Dr. Les Carter, whose videos I have often posted. I would like to share a couple of these strategies here:
“Dr. C” is a helpful one, which he says stands for “Dignity, Respect, and Civility.” This video describes that concept well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf_QwuTB9HY&t=501s
Another one (I have not been able to find the source for) has been really helpful to me personally. I believe it is also from Les Carter, but I am not sure. The acronym is “J.A.D.E.” which I believe stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. The idea is that when you are in conflict with someone who is not willing to accept any responsibility for the conflict and tends to use your attempts to dialogue against you, it is best to remember not to justify, argue, defend or explain yourself. I have changed it slightly to say we need to remain “unJADED”. The last “D” stands for “deny”. I added this because I have noticed that denying the usually false and misdirected accusations against you from someone who seems to have narcissistic traits only serves to enrage them further. The recommended response to this kind of reviling that has been universally agreed on by the Bible, ancient wisdom literature and modern-day psychosocial thought is that it is just better not to answer the irrational charges leveled against you by someone who is not willing or able to hear your perspective or to treat you with Dignity, Respect or Civility.
It might be important to note, however, that when dealing with someone who consistently shows highly narcissistic traits, your soft answer will not necessarily turn away their wrath. This was the lesson that Job learned and you can read the level of despair he reached after having his narcissistic friends lob insult after insult at his character. God comes to his rescue eventually, but his suffering is never actually explained. Job’s material and familial losses seem to be dwarfed by the pain of being targeted with false and incendiary accusations from his friends. Although Job knows his own character and even Satan and God agree on its value, Job’s friends insist on gaslighting him. They tell him that his perception of himself is inaccurate and that sackcloth and ashes should be ordered on his behalf so often and, at times, with such vitriol that Job begins to doubt his own sanity and collapses into suicidal despair. I have seen this kind of soul trituration in my work as a domestic abuse advocate, and even within Christian circles.
Narcissistic abuse takes a huge toll on those that find themselves as the target of someone else’s rippled pond rage (see parts 2–3 of this series). Recovery takes some very intentional and assiduous work to restore a sense of self-respect and the courage to maintain dignity and civility. Journeying with others who have been targets can help.
