Estrangement, by any other name, is still loss. It can mean total loss of a relationship for the rest of someone’s natural life, or it can simply be the shutting down of a heart connection that you once had (or at least thought you had) with someone. It always means that a relationship has been changed; pulled apart; contaminated by some aberrant narrative that one or both parties have developed about the other. It is miscommunication, misattunement, misunderstanding, distrust, disconnection, disregard, diminishment, disapproval, disrespect. It is the assumption of malevolence on the part of the other person, leading to a felt need to self-protect. It is the ultimate way to “other” someone who does not meet whatever arbitrary standard has been set.
Estrangement can be a mutual agreement that two parties just do not function well together, but it is more often one party moving away from and blocking the other party out of their circles. Sometimes, there is a rebound effect where the barred party puts up their own boundaries in order to manage the emotional fallout that comes with being exiled. Whatever else is entailed, estrangement is a chasm that cannot be bridged unless both parties agree to participate in the repair. It can never be fixed by the actions of only one side. Although unlikely, it may be possible that only one party is responsible for the breech, but it can never be healed without both sides taking responsibility for their contribution to its continuance.
When you find yourself an unwitting and unwilling participant in this unfortunate dyad, you soon realize that you are powerless to fix it on your own. If all communication has been shut down and there is really no “working this out together” plan offered, there are some rather predictable responses many people have.
1. Incredulity
2. Blame-shifting
3. Projection
4. Grief
5. Siloing
6. Introspection
7. Integration
8. More Grief
9. Acceptance
10. Re-creation
These are not necessarily linear experiences, nor is this a complete list, but it can be helpful to identify one or two rungs on the latter that one might use to claw their way out of the pit of despair they have found themselves in after the death of a living relationship. It is a way forward. It is processing the pain in order to progress toward personal healing and restored wholeness.
Mostly, this list is just an examination of my own experience that I hope can be helpful to others going through it. I don’t know yet where this list will take us in this series. I am making it up as I go here. I am determined to find a way to live the best life I can with the people willing to journey with me and wish the best for those who are not. In reality, that is all any of us can do. No one owes us their attention or their affection. As one who struggles with fears of abandonment, that is a tough reality to face.
Conversely, we do not owe anyone our undivided loyalty either. As one who struggles with co-dependency, this is tough to accept. I tend to never give up on people and always put myself out there as a living sacrifice to those I hope to save. Recognizing that I am not the solution to everyone else’s problem was a real ego blow to me. Recognizing that I am also not the source of everyone else’s dysregulated emotional state, was liberating to me!
I hope my ramblings on this will help more than just me to land in a better place at the end. I don’t need to be anyone else’s savior, but it is always good to know that your pain can be shared and perhaps healed through the recognition of its validity. There will be no secrets disclosed here. No persons will be identified and the situations I write about may not even be my own. Although, the experiences are real, the details will be a composite of my own experiences and those that I have observed.
My intent is to work through the list above, one or two words at a time. I may or may not stick to that plan. I seldom stick to any plan I start out with. That is the fun part of all my disparate diagnoses: ADD, cPTSD, BPD, ETC. I hope you’ll come along for the ride, anyway. Thanks for reading!
Please comment or clap if you are interested in this series. I appreciate the support.
